Soliloquy with
New Recording 22.m4a
July 2022
.Yeah, in a way I am going against my instinct. But at the same time, my instinct has also brought me so much pain. And even though I still feel the pain, I guess I'm trying to fight against the donut. And I know the donut is right there. It's in front of me. I could take it, it looks good and everything, even with the sprinkles on top, but then I remind myself that if I eat it now, I'm going to regret it right afterwards. And suddenly that donut doesn't look so good, it's not that delicious anymore. Even the first bite will actually already hurt, my tooth will scream because of all that sugar. So I try to remind myself of that and stick to feeling through the pain. And I feel it very physically, every time. But I'm trying not to entertain that because I know that in the long run, it means less pain. I guess if we break it down, now that I think about it, that's what I'm busy with. To feel the pain now in order to not feel it in the long run and for an extended period so even though this is going to hurt now really bad, after that, it's gonna be fine.
.Never thought of that, but I guess, yeah, I am breaking an addiction. But I mean, if it would be that easy, I would be so happy to just be addicted to a substance and know exactly what it is. Because then, you can basically point out what it is. In my case, it's like: how am I even supposed to know?
.Right, those are the worst donuts, the abstract ones… and also the thing keeps on changing in terms of what you want - the donut turns into a chicken, turns into money, turns into whatever you want. You want something so badly, you see it in the form you want it to be, but it turns out to be something really gross. And then there's that moment of awakening that this is not a donut, it’s actually a piece of rotten bread.
.I guess it comes down to understanding the need in that moment and what the need translates to - I really wish for that damn donut right now, but what is the actual thing that I need? Because it is not a donut. It never has been. The donut has always been something else. But, do you know what? I have no idea what the actual thing is. I only know the manifestation, how it can be translated and however we can trick our minds into being okay with the world and with ourselves and everything.
.I can continue with the abstract forms of Love, Belonging, Identity and whatever not. But I grew tired of all these massive concepts. Because what do they actually mean? And if I'm not capable of turning them into something actual, then what do they do other than confusing the hell out of me and making me eat two donuts in a row?
.What's the craving and where can I get what I want? And that's why I'm so tired of those massive concepts. They are a mouthful, but they always leave you starving. It's like all the plastic in our oceans and the fish is like, oh nice, so much food all around, it's like paradise. And yet the fish is going to starve because there is no nutrition in all that plastic. And I feel that's how these concepts work. And for some reason, we all seem to have agreed on using these concepts as they are. Relationship, Love - what does that all mean?
.And we just roll with it for the longest time already. And it works so perfectly, it keeps us in line. It keeps us paying our bills on time. It keeps us consuming the right things. And yet it is starving us. We are all broken in a way and not knowing where to go and what to do and who we are. I mean, we're still asking the question: who are we? But we will never find out if we keep on having these massive abstract concepts that we just fill with empty consumables.
.Because they don't fall onto fertile ground. Not because and that's to our point from last time - being a gardener, not because it wouldn't be possible to grow something. But in a way there is no fertile ground just in general. The system obviously doesn't want that. It doesn't want all these individual, weird looking flowers growing because it has to be within the DIN form of an A4 sheet, because otherwise the system can’t process it. That's why this whole idea of the extended concepts of gender, sexuality, identity and LGBTIQ+ is so beautiful as it offers more nuanced connectivity to these systems. But at the same time, they all do the same. It's not changing the system itself. It's just plugging into the existing system, creating the same thing that we had before - categorising people, saying: you have to belong. You have to define who you are.
.I do understand the need for it. And it's so beautiful to see what it does to people that before didn't know where to position themselves and were lost in all these massive concepts of the binaries. So it's amazing to have that. But I'm sometimes wondering to what end, what does it actually do?
.I mean, wouldn't it be the ideal not to have to identify oneself at all? But that would obviously be putting the whole meticulous system of control into jeopardy because, if you cannot be identified as a particular, how are you doing all the paperwork? How are you paying your tax? And I think it is possible but it would also mean to rethink all the systems and - never disturb a running system! Now I have gone beyond I guess.
.To bring it back to myself, I struggle with these concepts. I really find it difficult to identify myself towards any of these concepts. If that's a general concept or the concept of Love and Relationship. I just find that they don't do the actual things justice. I wish there was more acceptance for nuance and the redefining of things, but for yourself, not for a category. That it is okay that you feel different today than you feel tomorrow. That this sameness could just be a bit less; the conformity a bit less important.
.That's true, it can be very lonely, when other people don't understand a person’s nuanced thinking. What I experienced is a reaction like: don't be so philosophical, don't be so emotional, you're being crazy. And I'm always like, but also, what does that mean?
.It's sometimes hard to make someone else understand it without scaring that person away. Because I think it's also safe to adhere to these big concepts. It's an easy way to go through this world, you know that you're on the right side because it has been accepted by society and therefore obviously you are right as well. It's like, if everyone sees the colour green and you are the only one who is: looks more like yellow to me. But then you're: oh, clearly something is wrong with my eyes, but that you may be able to pick up more shades that lean to yellow? And yet, everyone defines it as green because that's the easy way to define it.
.You are right, instead of different, it is valued right and wrong - functional and dysfunctional. And that's really painful because it's not about convincing someone otherwise, but I would love that a more nuanced position is accepted too.